Motherless Motherhood

When my mom died, I stumbled across a Facebook thread of women naming reasons why they didn't want to have kids. One woman said she didn't want to have kids because she lost her own mother, and she didn't know how she'd possibly fumble through motherhood without her. And immediately I was struck with a question I hadn't considered since my mom's death.

Could I still become a good mom without my mom?

At the same time, I had a close friend tell me she was scared to bring up her mom around me because she didn't want me to have to feel any more sad than I already was. I was grateful to hear about this friend's worries because it helped me to recognize something that I would have to be prepared for. I told her that everyone has a mom, and even if it hurts to have reminders that mine is gone, I still have/had one. I would rather rip off the band-aid and get used to people talking about their moms (ultimately, did I have any other option but to get used to the new normal?).

And then, I went to one of my childhood friend's houses. We sat and visited with her mom while her mom made cookies. And I got tears in my eyes, realizing not only was this how things would be at my house if my mom could be there, but also that this friend's mom loved me similarly to how my own mom did.

I realized that even though my mom is gone, I still have so many moms.

Not only do I have my mom in heaven, whose presence I feel so strongly, but I also have other heavenly and earthly mothers. I have my mom's sisters who seriously remind me so much of her and who can tell me all the nitty-gritty about her, and my dad's mom and sisters who love my mom and sisters and me wholeheartedly, my friends' moms and the moms I work with, and the moms in church. Women are seriously incredible and have an innate ability to care for others. We all do it differently, but we do it exactly in the way we were made.

So here I am, 9ish weeks from officially entering motherhood. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I've questioned my ability (expert moms will probably say, "hey, welcome to the mom club where we're all just doing our best to figure it out as we go."). I've done a lot of wondering about how things would be different if my mom were still alive. Would I feel more equipped? I'd do anything to be able to call my mom and ask her all my questions and hear about her experiences being pregnant/mothering newborns.

As lonely as it can feel to enter a new season, especially this season of parenthood, without the ones who made me, I can't help but marvel at the beauty of it all. My connection to my parents wouldn't be as deep and beautiful if I hadn't lost them, especially at such a young age. And they're RIGHT HERE, ya know? They're with me in all the fears, worries, and excitement. Even though they're irreplaceable, I am utterly surrounded by so many people that love and care for me like parents do. And I wouldn't appreciate or see a fraction of that love if my parents were still here.

So yeah, I'm fumbling through motherhood with a little extra heartache and cluelessness, but I'm not alone in it. I'm honored to enter into parenthood, knowing all the greats that have come before me and have aided in getting me to where and who I am.

-J

As a disclaimer, I feel like it's also heckin' important to mention how dang lucky I am to become a mom knowing my kid already has the very best dad. More on that later I'm sure ☺️