Making Motherhood

When kids are little, the talk of milestones is boundless. Each month, parents are watching like hawks for their babies to tackle another milestone. Strangers and family members alike inquire about teething, crawling, and all the other big moments in the lives of society's youngest. Pediatricians guide parents in the various skills that show typical development. All the while, parents are experiencing and tackling milestones, too.

We all celebrate going home from the hospital, the first time we sleep through the night again, conquering vacations and outings. I'm looking forward to so many milestones, like being done with diapers and car seats, having a kid in school, and eventually having a DRIVER. But I think parents also have their own individualized, personalized milestones.

A few weeks ago, my sweet almost-two-year-old showed me I've reached another milestone. Typically, at daycare drop-off, she gives me a hug goodbye IF I'm lucky. One day this week, she decided to give a hug AND a kiss. Of course, this was the day we were running late and she had to finish her breakfast, a granola bar, on the way to daycare. When she gave me that precious open-mouthed kiss, she left me with soggy granola bar pieces on my face. Up until this moment in my life, I would've been utterly repulsed by this experience. Anyone who knows me knows I'm extremely sensitive to sensory things, tapping pens, scratchy fabrics, weird smells. BUT being a mom is weird, and apparently, I'm not only not disgusted by things that used to put me over the edge, but I'm the complete opposite; I spent the whole week bursting with love and joy over this little moment, telling anyone who would listen that my daughter gave me the cutest slobbery, disgusting kiss at daycare.

Another fun milestone attained recently was hearing "MOM" in an annoyed, bossy tone. Naively, I thought it'd be years before something like this. But no, the little human I gave life to, who is just learning to string words into sentences, can use her tone of voice to tell me she means business. She also can squeeze out a "stop it, Mommy" amidst explosive giggles when being tickled.

One of the best milestones I've encountered is seeing my little girl notice me at daycare pickup. Her face lights up, she comes running with arms outstretched. Lately, she even yells, "Mommy!!!!!" as she barrels toward me.

I knew my whole life that I wanted to be a mom. It wasn't until my older sisters friends made fun of me for playing with dolls that I finally stopped. I was in the seventh grade, after all. However, when it came time to actually be a mom, throughout my entire pregnancy and postpartum days, I felt crippled by the fear that I wasn't cut out for it.

In hindsight, there were so many things in my life that were preparing me for motherhood. Of course, having an incredible mom was the first step. The woman deserves her own book. Getting to connect with her through motherhood is so special. I constantly feel the void of her absence, but I also feel like I'm continually uncovering pieces of her through my motherhood journey.

I spent my entire early years of life working with kids, as a nanny, coach, lifeguard, and I took being a role model very seriously. The priest at my small town church when I was first out of college would encourage me to stand during mass on Mother's Day, when he blessed mothers, calling me a spiritual mother, knowing I was a teacher and using my femininity to bring people closer to God. In so many ways, simply being immersed in community, doing my best to use my gifts helped prepare me for motherhood.

However, I'm still figuring out the type of mom I want to be. I'm certain I'll spend the rest of my life grappling with that question and trying to make choices that affirm that identity. Currently, I'm working hard to encourage risk-taking, obedience, and joy in everything. In that, Quinn is teaching me about experiencing the world with both hands, both feet, and a full heart. I try to be a mom that:

• stops what she's doing to play under a blanket on the kitchen floor

• keeps reading engaging and exciting by pointing out new things or reading in voices/song

• grabs random things from the side of the road to encourage imaginative play

• doesn't think twice about moving a full dinner plate to the floor during dinner time if it means eating continues
  

• seriously prioritizes screen-free family meals

• dances, sings, runs, tickles, and plays as much as possible

• isn't afraid of boredom

• knows everything is teachable

• takes her kid along to what she likes to do and doesn't only prioritize kids' interests

As many people had warned me, parenting seems to just keep getting better and better. It is wild to think of the version of myself two years ago that was just terrified and feeling so ill-equipped. I'm grateful to have had God-given affirmations that I'm doing okay and I'm not alone throughout the process.

One such affirmation was Quinn being born in May. May is the month of Mary in the Catholic Church, and what better model for motherhood is there than her? Q was also born less than a week after Mother's Day, a holiday that's been twisted with a variety of emotions for me ever since losing my own mom. Another affirmation is the deep peace we've received through some scary medical times with Q. We've somehow managed through mass week after week with a rambunctious toddler. I pray more families can find their way to a solid church community; there's nothing better than raising young kids in a community of love. It's been incredible helping her to learn and figure out different behavioral norms for different places.

Lastly, the joy is immeasurable. There is so much joy in parenthood, in doing the holy work of setting aside oneself for someone else day in and day out. I'm just so grateful to get to figure it out as I go and to be Q's mom.

-J