How to be Welcoming (and how not)

So I'm currently the newbie. New to town, new at work, new at church, new in the neighborhood. I don't know how it is for others, but I always struggle being new. Even though I know it isn't rational, I expect things to be easy; to easily connect with others, to easily feel at home. And then nothing about being new is easy, and I start to crumble. In this current season, I've been reflecting a lot on hospitality; what it means and how I can be more hospitable toward others, how others have made me feel welcome and ways I wish they would. It is so lonely being new, and I want to grow as much as I can from this uncomfortable season. Without further ado, here's my thoughts, haphazard and honest:

• There's so much science around/behind the power of hearing our own names. Learn people's names as quickly as possible and use them often.

• Also regarding names, repeat yours often if you can. When someone is new, they're constantly being introduced to people and names can be hard to keep straight. (side note: When we moved into our house, one of my wise friends suggested keeping a list of the neighbors I meet and where they live. She's accidentally been calling a neighbor by the wrong name for years. Only one neighbor has introduced herself to me, but you bet it's on the list!)

• Recognize the situations in which you have home court advantage. If you're in a setting or situation that has become familiar to you, don't allow yourself to be intimidated by someone who is new. Your home court advantage should make you comfortable enough to initiate contact, whether that's saying hello or inviting someone to join you somewhere, etc.

• Ask questions! Lately, I've been in many situations where everyone around me knows things about each other, and I can't seem to find my way into conversations. When you're around someone new, ask them about themselves. It helps people feel seen and like you find them worth getting to know. And for the record, everyone is worth getting to know.

• Offer specific help. How many times have we all been told, "Let me know if you need anything!" and never actually done it? It's too broad. People need to know your areas of expertise. Asking for help is HARD. Make sure people know they're actually going to get the help they need, without burdening you, by telling them what you're happy to help with.

• Get to know people before making assumptions or offering "advice." We don't listen to people we don't know or trust. Introduce yourself and get to know people's situations before correcting them or assuming things about them. In the past, I've let my first impressions hold me back from phenomenal people and relationships. While our first impressions are helpful and important, they aren't everything. An open mind can often be the difference between community and loneliness.

• Share about yourself. The more open you are, the easier it is for those around you to be open, thus forming connections between you.

I haven't moved much in my life. My sisters and I are just selling my parents' house, which they lived in for 40 years. My first experience moving somewhere new was for college. Then I briefly moved for student teaching and then lived in the same town for the last six years. I thought it would be easier than it has been to be new. The sheer discomfort of being in an unfamiliar place, in unfamiliar social settings has been overwhelming, and the temptation to hide or run away from them is so strong. But I think part of being welcomed means being available. I know it can be hard to be welcoming to people who are stand-off-ish, and I'm trying to continue to put myself out there. All this to say, that if you are in a lonely season, where "your people" are far away and you're overthinking how to fit in and why you feel like an outcast, you're not alone. And like with everything, familiarity will come. This season will pass, too.

-J