Adulthood & Friendship

Nobody told me that friendships after college would be so hard. Maintaining old friendships, meeting new potential friends, and navigating new friendships are all complex, and I had no idea.

My whole life I've thought of myself as a one-at-a-time kind of friend. Groups have always been tricky to navigate and exhausting for me, and I've been incredibly blessed with the most beautiful friendships my whole life. But then I was new in a small community and new to the career world after college where I had been inundated with people in the same season as me. Suddenly, I was working all day and surrounded by people in different seasons.

While I still believe that friendships can be tricky (and that's likely not something that just magically improves in adulthood), I've found that there are some things that make friendships easier.

First, I think vulnerability is huge. The more you're willing to share your heart honestly and to own your faults or insecurities, the easier it becomes for people to open up with you. That vulnerability gives others the opportunity (and the permission?) to show up for you when and how you need. It also gives them the opportunity to be raw and real with you about their honest thoughts and insecurities.

When you invite that vulnerability, you are able to encourage each other toward such immense growth. Some of my strongest friendships are with people I haven't even known long, but that started with genuine honesty. When I was first trying to figure out friendships as an adult, I listened to a podcast about friendship that suggested asking to borrow something from a neighbor because when you do, you invite them to ask to borrow from you when they need to. It seems like such a small idea, but it still stands out to me years later. Even though we don't keep score in friendships, establishing a friendship where you know things will come back around right from the start is a way to instantly feel close.

It can be so hard to break out of the comfortable routine of hanging out with family or already-familiar friends. But busting out of the norm is always fruitful. It's so important to expand your circle and pour into others. So while it can be challenging (especially for us introverts) to initiate connection, the more we do it, the deeper our friendships go.

Ways to Foster Connection in Adulthood

I have been abundantly blessed with both long-time, long-distance friendships and everyday community right where I am now. There are so many ways to grow more deeply connected, and here are a few:

Long-Distance Connections - So many of my dear friends are people I only see a few times a year. Here's what we do to foster those friendships:

• Yearly trips - A group of three other college friends and I started doing a trip every summer. Three of us are teachers and one's a nurse, so we're able to travel during the week, which keeps the trip affordable. Every trip, we grow closer and leave with our cups full

• Snapchat - Maybe this ages me, but snapchat videos are one of my favorite ways to connect with loved ones from afar. We're lucky to live in a time where video chat is easily accessible!

• Snail mail - I have some incredible friends (have I said that already?) who will simply mail me quirky cards or small gifts to tell me they're thinking of me. Few things make me feel more loved than surprise mail

Building Community Where You Are:

• Book club - A friend and I attempted to start a book club a few years ago. We met for a number of months and alternated hosts, so nobody had to carry the load of hosting every time. Unfortunately, we haven't picked things up again since COVID, but it was so great to get to know people that were new to our community and connect over books. I always appreciate the opportunity to have a conversational topic to fall back on, and books are the perfect thing for that

• Porch picnics - I'm still learning to cook and don't always have a clean apartment, and while I don't think you need to have the perfect space in order to host (a blogpost for another time), I've loved inviting friends to bring their own lunch or dinner to enjoy on my porch.

• Cookie exchange - You know those people who just naturally bring people together? I have a couple friends like this, and they're just the people to tell an idea like a cookie exchange to. We each made cookies and then swapped, so we got to have a variety of different types of cookies. This can be done with anything. One day, I dream of doing it with hotdish (#midwestthings)

• Small gifts - again, small gifts make people feel seen and thought of. Whenever colleagues or friends have given me a little note of encouragement, I feel that connection and belonging we all long for.

No matter where you are or what season you're in, friendships are important and profound. Our friends are people we choose who are in a uniquely important position to love us, encourage us, and guide us, all while we love, encourage, guide, and serve them. I am so grateful for the connection and sense of belonging I've found in the communities of my life, and I pray that if you're feeling lonely, you are able to find what you are seeking. It's worth every ounce of effort to pour into those around you.

-J