Where We Go Wrong with the Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages is a concept originally from Gary Chapman that has grown in popularity throughout the last decade or two. Ultimately, it states we have a natural inclination to show and receive love in one of five ways: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. There's ample quizzes online to see what suits you, and it's a great tool for growing in relationships and helping those most important to us to feel loved.

HOWEVER

I think we often use the five love languages as a way to become complacent. Just like how being introverted can be an excuse to get out of social engagements (introverts need community, too, btw), I feel like people quickly fall into what the love languages confirms to be comfortable for them. But love, the love we're called to give freely, isn't supposed to be comfortable.

For example, my strongest love language is quality time. It's easy for me to show love by spending time with those who mean most to me. It's not as easy for me to perform acts of service. I've always thought, despite so many countless models of selflessness in my life, service just doesn't come naturally to me. With that in mind, wouldn't it be MORE loving for me to step out of what I'm comfortable with, what I feel good at for someone I love?

So often we get caught up in what the world and those around us can do for us, what we can receive from them. And when things go wrong - expectations aren't met, plans are changed, feelings get hurt - our initial response is to point fingers and blame anyone but ourselves. We think other people aren't loving us well. They aren't giving the words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, or physical touch we need, and therefore we shouldn't love them back. We can just kick 'em to the curb and decide they're unworthy to be in our presence. If they wanted to be in our lives, they would meet those needs. They wouldn't make mistakes. Like all humans do.

I may have been a bit aggressive in my example here, but the thing about this type of thinking is that it's real and it's one of the truest forms of hypocrisy I've encountered. We want people to love us well without loving them first. We expect others to meet our needs whether it's quality time or words of affirmation without using those same things to show them how valued they are.

And maybe this thought process is because we don't truly understand love.

• We are called to love every single human being we encounter.

• Every single human being we encounter is valuable and should be made to feel as such.

• Love is not contingent on how we are treated or how we act. And what a refreshing realization that is! No matter what we do, REAL love can't be lost.

• We don't run out of love. There is no keeping score when it comes to relationships. Even if I expressed love through quality time/gifts last week, I can and should again this week.

I think the five love languages are great. I've loved using them as a tool to reflect on how I'm loving others. They serve as a marvelous reminder of how love can be expressed and received in such vast ways. Just like a multilingual person uses different languages with different people/situations, the five love languages are all to be used. We can't control the ways we're loved, but we can be keen to notice, reflect, and appreciate how love shows up in our lives. And we can always grow in the ways we show love to everyone we meet.

-J